So I've been battling this horrendous "Common Cold". I swear it's the worst cold I've ever had. Yesterday was a full week since I've started having symptoms and I still haven't shook this one. So, with the sickness, and my overwhelming school and life load going on, it hasn't been the best of weeks at all.
Would you consider this page a sort of "soul barring" facility?
Well if you don't, then this should probably be the place where you hit "Next Blog" or go to another site, because I'm about to lament...
With everything that is going on in my life right now, I just feel completely overwhelmed. When you're faced with the decision to hold on to or give up on a life, I will tell you, that, my friends, is torment... Its been a long 22 weeks and it hasn't gotten any easier. My father has been through so much misery and being stuck in limbo between life and death, its just terrible. Sometimes you really question what the grand scheme is here...
And so, I find myself at the brink of falling off that edge every time I turn around. Luckily, I've got an amazing mother to help hold me up, even when she's on the verge of falling apart; a loyal girlfriend, who does everything she can to help; and fantastic friends, all of whom I'm thankful for.
I must admit, this week has found me in somewhat of a depressed state. (Really though, who wouldn't be in this situation..) I have found that many of my hobbies and loves just don't seem to produce the satisfaction they used to.. and the results show that. My art, to me, seems terrible. My Photography, lackluster. Most of all, my music... Void and senseless.
but through it all I've found some people and objects to hold fast. I've become infatuated with Jim Morrison and The Doors. I've started reading (SURPRISE) Anthem by Ayn Rand. Before you yell "atheism" or "psycho", both objects seem to signify one common vein. Individualism. and that is what I strive for. I've always wanted to be accepted and needed. Like an Icon, I guess. Jim embodied the eccentric alter ego, that I personally feel could very well be myself. Not the crazy, drug-induced, psychotic side of it. Maybe more a, shall we say, super-cession of one's own self. I'm sure my Psychology class has spurned this innate emotion in me, but I want to feel superior to my own perception of myself. Transcend my expectations. Become something almost.. reverent.
To tie up that loose end, yes, I'm reading Anthem. I was supposed to read it in 11th grade, but as the slacker I was/am, I never picked it up. So, in hopes of gaining a new perspective on life, I'm picking it up. I also have the belief that, those who read books seem to have it figured out. I'm not sure what "it" is, but maybe I'll find out. Maybe this that "self-actualization" from Psych class......
